The Biggest B!tch That's Not in Hollywood

My favorite holiday...other than "give me some presents day"

2008-10-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Halloween is here again! I love this holiday because you're free to dress like the inner slut you are without repercussions. You can get away with acting like a drunken fool, cry because you dropped your cell phone in the toilet, and pass out in your costume (I'm totally not referring to myself.) And best of all, you can go to the Duane Reade, buy candy in bulk, and then eat the whole bag while convincing yourself it's ok since the candy is wrapped in bite sized pieces.

Here in New York, there's not much in the way of trick or treating, because let's face it, some nut might put a syringe in your Twix. They do have parades though, with every drag queen coming out of their drag cave for the occasion. (I didn't know if you knew this but drag queens love parades.)

Last year, I dressed as Amy Winehouse, and it was a hit. My costume did take over however, and I had one to many Jack & Champagnes (I know that's disgusting, don't tell me twice.)

This year, I plan to go as that trollish irritating stylist known as Rachel Zoe. I have the wig, the animal print swing dress, bug sunglasses, giant cocktail rings and platform shoes, so now I just need a fur jacket of some sort. It's going to be 'bananas.'

Yikes

2008-10-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

What in the name of plastic surgery hell happenned to Lara Flynn Boyle's face?!! That girl is only 39, yet she looks like an Upper East Side doyenne after one too many dirty gin martinis.
I remember a quote of hers from a few years back about how she thinks normal people are boring and she'd rather die than not be famous. Well, Lara, your dream came true. There ain't nothin' normal about that face!

So ladies, lesson learned, don't eff with your face....until you're at least 50.

and just to give you some perspective, this was her in the 90's:

I'm Back Again You Whores

2008-10-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I'm here! It's been a long six months without me, I'm sure. I actually got a semi-real job, so I've been busy. Busy selling my soul.

Anyway, I know you've missed me. Hell, I missed me! And I missed you. I missed your laugh. I missed your scent. I missed your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.

That aside, let's kick off another day of trash talkin'. celebrity bashin' good times!

The Grammy's suck

2008-02-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

<>
blah blah blah..Carrie Underwood...blah blah blah blah..Kanye West....blah blah blah..Beyonce...blah blah blah..Justin Timberlake...blah blah blah...Amy Winbehouse won't be there...blah blah blah..Hey, Tony Bennett is still alive..blah blah

Sorry, I lost interest.

Lohan, poor?

2007-12-17T23:37:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing that La Lohan is running out of money and has been trying desperately to sell whatever she can to gain a little moulah as in Thanksgiving family pics, recording studio pics, old extentions..no not that.

Her career is in the toilet, that stripper/horror movie she was in was a bomb, and no one seems interested in getting her back on track.
I thought at least she was doing better, it looked like she had kicked the drugs and booze, but now it looks like not so much.

Girlfriend has rumored to have been sneaking vodka into water bottles when she goes out to clubs recently. Hey, don't ya think she should stay away from dem clubs for a while, since that's what seems to get that bitch in trubs? Way to go dum dum.

However, she's the least annoying of the crazy party girls in Hollywood to me (Paris, you are still the #1 annoying skank in my heart) because old Lohan seems like she would actually be cool and fun to party with, but don't eff with her. Bitch will cut you!

It also appears LALO has a new boy, some graphic designer douche with a beanie hat who seems to enjoy flappin' his yapper about his 'non-but maybe we'll let you know later-relationship with Linds. I give it a week.

I Am Awesome

2007-12-17T23:21:00.000-08:00

So I saw a kick-ass movie last weekend, 'I Am Legend.' Yeah, that's right, I liked it. I liked a non-indie film. I was on the edge of my seat for this Will Smith thriller, biting my nails, and I even teared up a little bit. It was so startling to see New York City completely abandoned, with grass growing in fields in Time Square, the bridges completely destroyed, and Holland Tunnel in water..spooky. If we don't get on the stick about saving the environment soon, it might just look like that, no joke!

Speaking of the environment, and I'm going off on a serious tangent here..um, I am terrified. I was talking with some friends over dinner the other night, and we are all in our early twenties, just starting out on life. We all agreed that the future is going to probably pretty bleak, the way the global warming is making weather conditions more drastic and such. It looks bleak I tell you. I don't want to live in a super-polluted world, where it's 120 degrees year round, tidal waves knock out California, the ice caps are completely melted and so forth. We have to do something, but it seems no one is really listening. It's the US and China that are the main contributors to global warming, and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down with either country. I'm not sure what I can personally do to help, but I want to help in any way I can! Sorry to rant, but this topic always gets me going. I'm freakin' out man!!

Back to 'I Am Legend,' it was pretty sweet, with all kinds of action and suspense, although the ending was to be desired. but go see it, Will Smith was great and seeing New York like that was a shock!

Hey!! How's it going?!

2007-12-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Man it's been a long time since I posted here..sorry!

Well, let's get to it. I was surfing, the web that is, and stumbled on something I thought was too funny to not post.
You may or may not know who Pete Doherty is, but he's the crackhead bloke from the brit band Babyshambles (what a name!) that dated Kate Moss (remember when she was photographed hoovering up all that coke? That was at Pete's studio.) So they were madly in love, he even cheated on her (with who?!!!), went to rehab 5,000 times for crack addiction (no exaggeration), and was basically like a mosquito sucking the blood out of Moss. Anyway, Pete is hideously ugly and sweaty and fat and well, you get the point. Moss later gets to her senses and dumps the bum.

So today while surfing I came across a little gem about 'Dreamboat Doherty.' Apparently he has decided to run the London Marathon, a 26 mile run. This guy has done so many drugs, it's no surprise he thinks he can run a marathon in his drug addled mind. He's probably used to running quickly, mostly from the police. It's just the next logical step. I would love to see a bloated, greasy, scarf wearing Doherty running through the streets of London in tiny running shorts. Hot!

Doesn't he remind you of a junkie version of Betty Boop?

Amy Amy Amy..

2007-11-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Oh Amy, she's like an untamed beast, smoking crack anywhere she pleases, including an airport bathroom! I guess when you have a voice like silk, you can get away with anything.

On a one hour flight from London to Glasgow, the captain made a little announcement, "Our famous little friend is smoking in the toilet. It's just that the smoke alarm hasn't gone off yet."

Damn, a one hour flight and she couldn't wait. I guess when you gotta smoke a crack rock, you gotta smoke a crack rock.

Zexy

2007-11-18T11:18:00.000-08:00

Who's that girl? It's Tommy Cruise!

Here's the new and improved Tom Cruise without makeup (just kidding..I think) on the set of a new Ben Stiller movie, Tropic Thunder.

Hello Slutty

2007-11-18T11:14:00.000-08:00

Hello lovlies, I know it's been a while. But I'm back, and with some goodies for you..

Here's a picture of the always classy Shauna Sand, wife of Lorenzo Lamas and Playboy Playmate. I'm not really sure why she's famous, but she's been popping up all over the internet lately, and who can deny her sense of style?!

Copperfield Copped a Feel

2007-10-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

Kazaam! David Copperfield has had his magical world turned upside down (and cut in half) since a woman has alleged he raped and assaulted her on one of his Bahamas islands. The Grand Jury is out deciding whether to press charges or not against the magician.

Several women have come forward claiming that Copperfield would pick up chicks using his act. He would tell his helpers which ladies he wanted to pick up, and then involve them in the act. That Copperfield was a smooth one. Screw picking up girls the old fashioned way, become a magician and you'll be getting more ass than the backseat of a rental car!

Dennis the Menace...to society.

2007-10-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

I honestly didn't think Dennis Rodman was in costume, I thought he was just out on the town like any regular night. I was wrong!

Here the Rod dressed in drag (quelle surprise!) for a Halloween party in Hollywood, FL last night.

Trick or Treat

2007-10-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

The spawn of Bruce and Demi came out last night to scare the kiddies dressed as a French hooker. I'm not sure I get the costume here. Why must girls dress like skanks for Halloween? Is there a memo about this I missed?

Yuk

2007-10-28T22:51:00.000-07:00

Bravo Teri. Your costume worked. I am truly terrified. Aaaaaahhhh!!!

Here's Teri dressed as the Queen of Hearts for the Dream Halloweenie party.

Night Court

2007-10-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

A part of me wishes that Britney would go all Osama bin Laden and hide out for a long time, but the other wicked part wants to see her self destruct in public. I must say though, she has been self-destructing for a while now, but has yet to actually explode..so she might just carry on this way for a while. I'll keep my eye out for her crazy ass any day over Paris Schmilton.

So Brit announced that she was going to court to ask the judge for overnighters with her kids. Why would she do that, she's never home at night? But when the time came at 8:30am, surprise surprise, Britney didn't show. But..she came into court 5 hours later. I guess she thought everyone was kind of hanging around, just chillin, and she'd show up whenever..but, uh, she was right. The lawyers and judge were still there. And B had 15 sheriff deputies waiting to escort her wacky weaved self in! So that's where our taxes go.

As of now, the judge said Brit could have an overnight visitation one night a week. Sorry boys.

In the end, it's very rare for a mom to loose custody of her kids, it's much more often the dad. Brit, shape up baby!
And on a closing note, here's B's weave upclose. Yak!

Fashion Victim

2007-10-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

O Victoria! Just because your stylist says 'Vicky, you must wear this fabulous concoction. It's worth thousands of dollars and is made from polar bear placenta' doesn't mean you should actually put it on. Here's Posh Spice making an arse face of herself in Paris, which I hopefully assume is at least for a photo shoot, but with this girl, who knows for sure!

Why God Invented Publicists

2007-10-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

Kid Rock needs to shut his face, his angry little monkey face. Why do any celebs think they should be the authority on political matters? Just entertain us, don't wax philosophical. Dance monkey, dance!

Now I'm not a fan of the Iraq war, but I'll support my soldiers because they need it. But Kid is a right winged kook, and made a veiled stab at Sean Penn's ridiculous stance on war. I love how Kid was 'shooting the shit' with Rumsfeld. Why they invited Kid to the White House I'll never know. He's a trailer trash creep who had a mild hit a few years ago. They must be running out of celebs to invite to the White House.

"These kids [U.S. soldiers] are very young and a lot of them think people who oppose the war are against them. You have to be very careful with what you talk about - especially when you are some Hollywood fucker. Just because you made a great movie doesn't make you are an expert on foreign policy."

"I was at the White House drinking a Beam and Coke, shooting the shit with Rumsfeld, when [President] Bush came by and gave me five like we were on Seven Mile and Van Dyke in Detroit."

"If it weren't for guns and people who know how to use them in America, we'd all be sitting around with swastikas saying, 'Heil Hitler!' "

Love conquers all

2007-10-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

I was looking on that bitchy queen Perez Hilton's website, and saw this lovely picture of Brittany Murphy and her creepy hubby Simon Monjack. Eek!

She's really with him? That guy? Huh, interesting. I guess he has a great personality, although he looks like he could crush her since he's triple her size.

House of Horrors/Hoars

2007-10-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

Heather, the reject from Rock of Love who got Bret's name tattooed on her neck has decided to mavo to LA to pursue an acting career. Good luck! The 'ex' stripper will be living with two other Love cast-offs Brandi C and Kristia, and, drumroll please.....Chris Crocker (you know, the crazy Britney guy.) Can you imagine? That place will be flea and skank ridden, smelling of hairspray and self-tanner. How the hell is this Chris kid famous? What is going on? Really, I think anyone can be a celebrity these days, just post a ridiculous video on YouTube and bammo, you're famous! It doesn't take skill people.

Speaking of Rock of Love, it turns out that the winner, Jes, was not actually in love with Bret (shocking!) and had a boyfriend back home. I knew I smelled a rat! What a gip, I thought that he would find love by gathering a group of fame hungry skanks with bad hair and making them do ridiculous stunts in order to win his love. What is this country coming to?!

Pixie Girl

2007-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

Hooray for Michelle Williams, she will save us all! I like the new do, don't hate! Maybe it's for the best she parted ways with Heath Ledger, he's been lookin' all sorts of fug lately, tearing up the town with that model Helena Christensen. Anyway, the Brooklyn based actress is posing here for the red carpet premier of the Bob Dylan based movie 'I'm Not There.' I kind of want to see that film-Cate Blanchett stars as Bob Dylan in part of the movie, as does a ten year old black kid and Richard Gere, should be interesting.

Getting closer..

2007-10-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

That Courtney Love, she is getting closer to having her face implode from all the plastic surgery she's had. You remember that movie, Brazil, where the woman gets an acid treatment to make her skin look younger but then she melts? I think that might happen here. Keep that girl out of the sun!

I'm seeing a start of a wonky eye too. Oh dear.

Fashionable?

2007-10-05T19:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some photos of the fabulous Dita von Teese, pig nosed Victoria Beckham, and kooky Karl Lagerfeld at the Chanel fashion show in Paris. They look like wax works. But Posh always looks like that, she only has one look. Doesn't she realize she looks like a fool, always posing like a stuck up angry bitch? I don't get the appeal there. And what does she do again?
At least Dita does something for a living, girl is the most famous burlesque stripper in the world. Her parents must be proud. How does she get that skin to be so alabaster? Well, whatever her trick is, she should let me in on that, because I'm trying to even out my paleness. I think I look very Elizabethan. So there. Anyway, who can forget old Karl. I mean what's left to say? He's sort of a gray haired Jack Nicholson wannabe Victorian biker dude. Tres chic!

A Blohan is loose!

2007-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hide the liquor and drugs! Lindsay Lohan has checked out of rehab at Cirque Lodge in Utah after two lovely months of not having her around. Clear the streets, she'll be back to the club scene soon enough. Of course she will say 'I'm only drinking water and dancing, I'm young and blah blah blah.' You know she'll be sneaking a flask in and popping some pills in the ladies room. It's Blohan, she can't help it!

The Horror..

2007-10-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

Britney Spear's new music video for 'Gimme More' has arrived on the internet today, and man does it stink! She is riding around a stripper pole for the whole damn thing (what an artistic vision!) and occasionally there's a shot of her watching herself in a blonde wig from the bar. Ugh, you just have to see it to understand. At least the airbrushing job isn't all bad.

http://www.tmz.com/2007/10/05/britney-gimme-more-attention/#comments

Boo Boos

2007-10-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

Frankly, I'm tired about writing about Britney, but I have to give the people what they want! Here's your latest Brit news..seriously, when will it stop?

Britney missed her court date this week where she should have been fighting to get custody back of her 'boo-boos' and was instead out going for a coffee run. And getting gas at a Shell station. And checking into the Regency Beverly Hills. Important stuff! Britney has to make an appearance in court October 26 for another custody hearing or she will go to jail for contempt of court. Get that cell ready boys!

She has been in and out of three different hotels this week. I'm not sure why she refuses to stay at home in her mcmansion (attention hoar anyone?) but she has been making the room service rounds. Here's some advice B, if you really want to be left alone (which I doubt you really do) you should rent some videos, get out the popcorn and stay at home a night, or two. It might do you some good. For reals!

And in addition, Brit missed her first visitation with her kids, and had the worst excuse I think I've ever heard..
K-Fed brought the kids over for a visit, but Brit's camp or whatever she has says that she missed it because she didn't hear Kevin ringing the intercom, or it was broke, I don't know. Doesn't she have a phone? That excuse does not fly with me missy! I bet she was in a Cheetos/Red Bull/ Crack coma. Ha!

Ladies and Gentlemen..

2007-10-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

..Presenting the ever dapper and charming..and expressionless David Guest! (Whoop whoop whoop!)

Lisa Minelli's 54 year old ex, in London today for a comedy awards show, proves he's straight from tha streets, or maybe straight from the plastic surgeon's office. David is going for that Chinese symbol/Goth/Rapper/Chris Angel toss-off look. Oy Vey! Looks like when Liza hit him, she knocked the sense right out of him.

What Would You Do with $300 million?

2007-10-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

It has been reported that Britney Spears is worth around $300 million, yet for someone with that money, she can't dress herself worth a lick and doesn't really seem to be that lavish, other than dropping ridiculous amounts on ugly ass clothes, bizarre hotel stays, and her constantly rotating McMansions. I was just thinking to myself, just pondering, what would life be like if I was worth that much. Here's what I would have/do:

I would have a constant hair/makeup/stylist team (even though i pick out the clothes baby.)

I would travel all over the world, stay in the finest places and eat the best food, shop at all the best stores, etc.

I would buy a huge apartment in the West Village in New York, a townhouse in London, an apartment in Paris on Rue St. Honoré, a mansion in Middleburg, VA, a house in Santa Fe, a pink beach house in Bermuda, a mansion in Newport, RI, and a ski cabin in Aspen. Yes, that's a lot of homes, but think of all the money I would save on hotels!

I would own a large yaught with a crew and sail around the Caribbean islands and east coast.

I would have a huge closet with a million clothes, and one of the huge shoe racks.

I would hire a full staff-butler, maid, personal chef, trainer, animal care-taker, and personal assistant for my every luxurious whim.

I would buy a bunch of pets-a few dogs, a cat, a bunch of little birds, a horse, and a huge fish tank with exotic fishes.

I would have a fleet of mopeds, a silver BMW coupe, a red Mercedes, and a black Audi.

I would spend my time decorating my many mansions, and collecting art and vintage furniture.

I would invest in different kinds of lessons and classes, like more art classes, music classes, horse riding lessons, and all that jazz.

I would try out a music career by making a music album (yes, I know that's cliche.) I would also have a huge art studio where I could do all my art projects, and I would make my own fashion line-probably only for myself, but wouldn't that be fun?!

I would eat at a different restaurant each night, I would learn how to cook, arrange flowers, sew, play guitar and drums and harp, and I would go on hunts and put in a clay pigeon machine in my sprawling backyard.

I would invest a lot of money, and then gamble at the high rollers table in Vegas.

Oh yeah, and I guess give a bunch of stuff to charity and so forth.

He's Still Around?

2007-10-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

That incorrigible Chris Crocker is still at it, hanging out with famous tranny/celebrity brother or uh sister Alexis Arquette. I must admit, that Crazy Chris is pretty, girly pretty. And Alexis, well, um, I like his/her uhhh, weave, sort of?

Anyway, the two gals were hanging out in Hollywood for the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards last night, tearing up the town and giving the love squeeze to that cheeseball 'Heat' from I love New York. Love the leopard top Chrissy!

Hey Jude, You're Going Bald

2007-10-03T15:23:00.000-07:00

Whoa, Jude is going bald! Well, you know what, he still looks better than half the dudes in Hollywood. And you know what else, know one can be that suave and handsome and charming without some sort of imperfection. So go Jude, rock that male pattern baldness!

Here's a list of some of the great baldies of the world. There's some inspiration for you J-Dog!

Ghandi
Michael Jordan
Sean Connery
Samuel L. Jackson
Damon Wayons
Larry David
Paul Shaffer
Vin Diesel
Billy Corgan
Moby
Billy Zane
Bruce Willis
Sinead O'Connor
and Demi Moore (in GI Jane)

See, there's hope yet!

Timeline of Crazy!

2007-10-03T00:06:00.000-07:00

So I was trying get a collection of all the crazy stuff Brit has put herself or been through this year, a krazy timeline if you will:

Brit was caught by snapping paps driving with her little one not properly strapped in the baby car seat.

Child Services visit her home after reports that Sean P. bumped his noggin.

Brit goes on Dateline with Matt Lauer to bitch about how the media is trying to destroy her, but she looks like a cracked out fat hoochie, and her fake lashes falls off.

Uh oh, B gets pregnant again and poses on the cover of Bazaat, ala Demi Moore. gross.

Divorced Kevin Federline via text message, November 7, 2006.

Britney starts hanging out with Paris the Parasite, flashes coochi, takes off pants in nightclub, etc.

Child services again visit Brit after a report of bizarre public behavior and substance abuse allegations arrive.

She hosts nightclub Pure's New Years Eve party, but allegedly collapses on the floor.

In Feb '07, Spears heads to a random barber shop in CA and shaves her head. Skinhead Britney!

She then checks into rehab, but checks out one day later.

She then checks into rehab in Antigua, but then checks right back out again after a day.

Then again she rechecks into Promises rehab center and actually stays the whole month.

Brit starts working out and getting in shape for a crappy mini-tour in the House of Blues. Lip-synched of course!

Things look up, but by July '07, a photo shoot with OK! Magazine goes awry. Brit lets her puppy poop on a gown, she wipes chicken grease on a dress, leaves the door open to pee and her assistant takes off with $15,000 of stuff.

Federline finally steps up and asks for full custody

Brit opens up the VMAs with a horrendous performance and a too small lingerie set.

Brits publicist, assistant, manager, and lawyer all drop her, and she is a woman alone.

After a secret witness, who was her ex-bodygaurd, comes out and makes allegations about her bizarre behavior, Britney is ordered by the judge to undergo parent counseling, random drug-testing in order to maintain custody of the kids.

Sept '07, Brit is charged with hit-and-run and driving without a license after an August incident where she pulled in a parking lot and then bumped into another car but didn't seem to care.

Oct 1, 2007, Brit looses custody of the kids after it turned out she didn't do anything the judge ordered, and still drove without a license with the kids in the car, even after she was charged with hit-and-run and driving without a license.
Clearly she is a complete idiot and a nut, and is not only dangerous to those poor kids but to herself and others. Lock her up and throw away the key!

Who Dat?

2007-09-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Let's play 'Who Dat?!'

Here's today's photo. Who dat?

Here are the possible answers:

A) a dude

B) Jessica Biel

C) Alyson Hannigan

Oh Sweet Jesus!

2007-09-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

This picture of Carrot Top in NYC has been burning up the blogosphere. I can't believe this is real. He looks horrifying! Those buffalo arms! Those overdrawn eyebrows! Those Shirley Temple curls! Oh my!

See children, that's what happens when you take too many steroids-clearly it warps your sense of style.

Something stinks

2007-09-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

Ewww. Paris came out with a new scent, Eau de Bullshit. Or actually 'Can Can' as in 'Can you go away you dumb hoar?' Too strong? I decided to briefly lift my Paris ban to point out her continuing effort to ruin the planet with her horse nose and freakish wonky eye. Can't you tell I don't like her ass?

Hello there..

2007-09-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry, sorry, I know I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy, ok?! Don't ask questions dammit! It's been a sloowwww week anyway.

Wow, so anyway, Phil Spector is a free man today. A mistrial was declared for that rascally alleged murderer. Now he should go on trial for that hairdo..yoweeee!!! But not so fast girlfriend, you might go on trial again. For all you Law & Order aficionados, a mistrial means that the jury could not decide, so they are off to trial again with new evidence and perhaps a better way to approach the case. Which means it will be tougher for old Phil to get off this time. Good luck pal, just don't kill anyone in the meantime.

And of course, it can't be a day that ends in 'y' without some Britney news. After the judge forced her to take random drug tests twice a week, her ex-bodygaurd, Tony (that egg shaped guy) has come out and told his story about her parenting skills to anyone who will listen because, well, he 'cares.' Alas, he wants to get paid. But mostly he cares, right? He made some pretty damaging, and sometimes pointless, statements, such as:
-Britney farts and burps a lot. Classy, that girl is.
-the bodyguards were told to mix her jack and coke and take it to her while she was in her car about to drive off.
-She let the little toddlers run around by themselves around the pool.
-Tony saw her do coke in clubs and in bathrooms
-the bodyguards were told to chew mints and wear deodorant, because BO and bad breath was not tolerated...even though it looks like Brit hasn't bathed in days with that nasty ass weave of hers. Girl, please stop hiring the blind and/or crack-heads to do your hair!
-Brit would often be awkwardly nude or would grind up on the help, but they couldn't look at her. What is she, 4 years old?

So basically, she sounds crazy and drugged up, which, um, doesn't surprise me. Why couldn't Tony come out and say something a little more interesting like, 'Britney would force the kids to do speed, she liked to drive with a blindfold, and she slept with the family dog.' Now that is juicy!!

I should also mention that Britters has not had a driver's license since 2001, yet she has frequently been pulled over and has yet been issued a citation. How do I know this? Osmosis. Well actually, a nurse filed charges against Britney for hit and run, since Brit plowed into her station wagon and didn't leave a note or contact.. which means if Crazy B is convicted she could serve up to 6 months in jail and along with a fine. So what! I doubt B will go to jail, and if she does, it might be good for her..and us. I mean, ask Phil Spector, OJ, Claus von Bulow, and Robert Blake. They know what's up.

And for your enjoyment, here's a pic with Britney wearing her new weave/squirrel hair and sporting a lovely stain on her shirt. I just wanted to say, I've never seen such an egregious lack of self-awareness. You know? Does she even care at all. She looks like a fat hooker mom from Kansas. Pitiful!

La Di Da, La Di Da

2007-09-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is a slow news day. Hmm, let's see what's going on..

They have begun filming of the Sex and the City movie in NYC this week. The Golden Girls reunion has been filming SJP and Big in front of such overpriced, I mean fabulous, places such as Nello's and whatever. I have no interest in menopausal women sleeping around, and by the end of the show, they were all hooked up and had cancer or something. I really really do not want to see Kim Catrall sexin' it up on the big screen. Gross! She's my mom's age, and ew, I , ew I really don't even want to go there, ew.

Here's a pic of Carrie and Big talking, if you care.

Let's see, what else. Oh, Georgeous George has been unleashed on the NYC scene as well since he's filmingsome movie somewhere around here (I sound very bored today as you can tell.)

So that's all I got today, leave me alone..grrr!

Today's Photos.

2007-09-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Some photos for ye. Sometimes it's too easy.

Happy Early Halloween!!
David Beckham dresses as a short nerd while Victoria donns her Halloween costume as a bunch of money or a space alien.

The Bride of Chucky. Run for your lives!!

Britney pukes after watching her VMA performance. Join the club sister.

Jodie and her 'special lady friend' tour Italy.

Kate Moss. Drunk again.

I have no words for this. Ugh.

More Juice

2007-09-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

A Battle Royale is taking place in the headlines: It's OJ vs. Britney.

OJ was released from prison today on bail for $125,000. Really, that's it? Oh boy, he better not skip town. The only visitors he had while in jail were his sister, his girlfriend (watch out) and some attorneys. Popular guy..

In related news, one of the men OJ allegedly assaulted, Bruce Fromong, was recorded on tape by the other guy that was assaulted saying he set up an offshore account for OJ, which I'm sure the Goldman's will be interested to hear..I was wondering how he was paying those Country Club golf fees.

Froman had a serious heart attack the day after the assault and is still in critical condition...

...what goes around comes around.

Bleh Gardens

2007-09-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

What's that sound? Oh nothing, just the sound of the pit of darkness taking over Hollywood.

Sadly, another remake is in the works. For what you ask? Oh, you know, that really great documentary about Jackie Kennedy's cousins called Grey Gardens, which was also transformed into a critically acclaimed Broadway musical.

For HBO has decided to screw up another classic and turn a great movie into crap. It will star the lispy Drew Barrymore as Little Edie and the expressionless Jessica Lange as Big Edie. Sounds like a barn burner.

Damn.

Oy Vey, Another Day

2007-09-19T07:02:00.001-07:00

I will try one day to not post about Britney, but she continues to outdo herself...give a girl some credit! Since yesterday afternoon's post, here's the custody judge's ruling for Crazy B and Federline:

Custody stays 50/50 for now (is this judge living under a rock?)

No nasty talk about each other's inlaws or each other

No corporal punishment against the kids (no more K-Slaps)

They must each complete the "Parenting Without Conflict"
program and go to co-parenting counseling together

Brit and KFed must not drink or take controlled substances (good luck with that) during the care of their kids or 12 hours before taking care of their kids

The judge also tacked on a few extra requests for Britney, such as she go under drug/alcohol random testing twice a week. But Brit wants to get her pill/meth/daquiri on! What's a girl to do? Well, apparently after getting the judge's decree, she decided to do what any mother in inner turmoil who is at risk for losing her children... Celebrate at the nightclub Hyde! What would you do, stay at home??!!! Lame...

B also changed lawyers twice in one day-she's got lawyer fever! Originally being dropped by Laura Wasser, Brit picked up attorney Marci Levine, but then dropped her for Mel Goldsman. Whatever Marci, this was probably your lucky day. Say what you will about Crazy B, but she is making decisions left and right. Not always good or normal decisions, but decisions, ok?

Man those kids are fucked.

Don't Steal My Sh$t!

2007-09-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

ok, no more Britney!

Here's something else interesting..ummm. Oh, wait, here you go, some OJ update:

As of todayyyyy...

OJ's targeted victim, Bruce Fromong, had a heart attack yesterday. Probably from being screamed at by OJ with a gun and being told to get up against the wall. Yeah, that might do it.

The Goldman's are also trying to squeeze every last drop of Juice outta OJ (you liked that?) by getting a Rolex owned by the allegeded non-murderer, which Ron Goldman spotted in a recent photo of OJ on TMZ.com. Da Juice has been in da joint for about 2 days now, and if they can't get him on this after having the whole confrontation on tape, several witnesses and accomplices coming forawrd, and basically OJ just being a dangerous douche, then I give up on the whole justice system. I mean, Wrong Way Richie got 86 minutes in jail for being high and driving up the wrong way on a ramp! It kills me!

Goo Goo Ga Ga

2007-09-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry kiddies! I know you've been hungrily awaiting today's scoop, so here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Oh how the mighty have fallen!
I'm trying to figure out how Britney Spears hasn't had a nervous breakdown yet and been thrown into the crazy house. She must be seriously high or medicated if she doesn't care about: her public meltdown on MTV, her manager (of one month) and her custody lawyer both dropping her, her whole family (other than her brother) has turned against her, and as of yesterday evening she can no longer have custody of her children until another hearing in late fall. They finally got those poor rug rats away from her and into the weaselly arms of K-Fed. So I assume that's better.
She's the only one who can be held responsible for her undoing since it seems like everyone under the sun is trying to help her and she just tells them to eff off. Frankly, I don't care about her, but it's just horribly fascinating to watch someone fall apart in front of you eyes. Here's an interesting article from Fox.com about this subject:

Before this week, I was the only entertainment/gossip columnist in the world who thought little and wrote less about Britney Spears.
But now, let’s face it, she’s in major trouble. Late Monday, her manager of one month, Jeff Kwatinetz of The Firm, fired her. This was only a few hours after her divorce attorney, Laura Wasser, did the same.
As I reported late Monday afternoon, sources tell me that Spears is just a breath away from Commissioner Scott Gordon ruling that her children will be placed in the custody of ex-husband Kevin Federline. It’s not like he’s Father of the Year.
Let’s not forget Federline already had a baby and one on the way with a woman to whom he was not married when Britney became pregnant. Violins never played when these walked into a room, just ominous soap-opera organs.
Related
Column Archive

As I also reported late Sunday, Gloria Allred’s client, Tony Barretto, who was briefly Spears’ bodyguard, gave a declaration in court last Friday accusing her of drug abuse in front of her children, among other things. He was the “secret” witness.
On Monday, the declaration went unquestioned into Spears’s file with Gordon. Wasser, or her successor Marcie Levine, could have cross-examined Barretto in court. He was present, along with Allred. But it didn’t happen, and now the declaration stands.
It’s not surprising Kwatinetz dropped Spears. I told you last week, immediately following her disastrous appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards, that Kwatinetz would be held responsible for the debacle by his partners at The Firm.
Kwatinetz is currently trying to keep Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz and their manager Rick Yorn. Blame for the end of a pop tart’s career is not something he needs or can handle.
Wasser, on the other hand, has been trying to bail out on Spears for weeks. There were reports all summer that she was leaving. Now she’s gone. It’s not a good sign. Whatever she knows that we don’t, she no longer has the energy or interest in defending Spears. That’s very bad.
Who is Britney Spears anyway? She’s not a writer or a singer. She’s not much of a dancer. She is, however, a spectacle, a teen star whose fame has lasted well beyond its limits.
She’s known primarily for “Oops … I Did it Again,” a novelty song, and for her tabloid hijinks. Among the latter: not wearing underwear.
If you’re a certain age, you’ll understand this: Britney Spears is no Joni Mitchell, she’s not even Madonna. She’s this generation’s answer to the Andrea True Connection, and that’s on a good day.
What will happen to her Nov. 13 CD release? Two months is a long time in short-term memory America. Perhaps all will be forgiven and forgotten.
But Spears will have to promote her CD, and that should be a sticky issue since she has no publicist either. The indefatigable Leslie Sloane Zelnick is also long gone.

Uhh..huh?

2007-09-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

To distract yourself while waiting for some more wacky Britney news, here is a pic of Paris and her new accessory, I mean boyfriend. Boy, he sure looks..well, dumb. Can you imagine their conversations?

Paris: You are soooo hot.

Himbo: You are hot.

Paris: I know. We are really really hot. Oh my god. Like, uh, what?

Himbo: What's my name again?

Paris: Why would I know?

Himbo: Oh.

And so on..

Can I Get a Witness?

2007-09-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

The latest from Allred, K-Fed's pint sized fireecracker of an attorney, has just announced that Tony, Spear's former bodygaurd from her House of Blues tour, testified in court today unchallenged by the court or even Brit's own attorney.

Tony alleged "nudity, drug use and safety issues post-rehab" and decided to come forward as a witness being that he was also a father and was concerned about what he saw with the children. Tony was fired May 17 because "he did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat."

This gets better and better!

Check back for new updates..

UPDATE: The FBI is refuting claims that there ever was an FBI investigation into e possible hit on K-Fed. The LAPD does confirm however, that there was a threat made a few months ago, but the case was closed due to insufficient evidence. It's your lucky day, Federline.

Wiggity Whackity Watch Yo'Self K-Fed

2007-09-17T10:45:00.001-07:00

K-Fed might have been K-Dead, according to ETonline. It seems as though someone tried to hire a hit man to take out Federline.

Gee, who would have the motive to do that?

The LAPD has been investigating this claim and has recently been in contact with the Federline about a possible hit. Wow, you think they would have told him sooner that someone was trying to kill him.

It's still unknown who put out the alleged hit (cough cough Britney cough cough) but I'm sure we'll know soon enough.

In other revolving Britney news (seriously, I have to update my info every 15 minutes because that is how often something bizarro happens on the crazy train known as the Spears mobile) Gloria Allred has finally brought in that 'secret witness' which turns out to be.......some big dude. Here is this guy bodyguarding Britney in April, and blocking out the sun at the same time.

It's one of Spear's former bodyguards during her brief House of Blues comeback (I use that word lightly) last spring. Remeber the chair humping and raggedy looking mink jacket thing?

Goody, he must have some juicy tidbits to throw to the hungry public.

And his name is Tony, not Tiny.

UPDATE: Gloria Allred just announced in court that the LAPD has been investigating a hit out on Fed-ex. Details coming up..

A Week to Remember..

2007-09-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

I take off for the week-end, and shit goes down! This has been a good week for us gossip blogettes!

Britney made an arse of herself on national television, OJ Simpson was arrested for assault (karma is a bitch!), Kanye West cried like a little school girl when he didn't win a moonman, Chris Crocker was catapulted into worldwide YouTube infamy after his tearful rant about Britney, and Amy Winehouse managed to live another week.

So here are some new tidbits to start yer day of right!

My beloved Wino has been in talks with the producers of the next Bond movie to do the theme and even make a guest star appearance, but talks ended after all the recent troubles of drug abuse, domestic violence, and whatever else crazy shizz she's been up to. Recently, Londoners spotted poor Amy getting out of a cab with a bloody hand and bloody rag. I don't know what she was up to, but it looks like she might have pulled an OJ. Someone check on her husband!

Kayne made a surprise guest appearance at the Emmy's last night, which I could give two poops about. These award shows have gotten so bland and commercial. Who cares if Ellen Pompeo gets a statue for best actress? Now if Ellen Pompeo stabbed Sandra Oh with that same Emmy statue, then I would care. But until that day...

In what seems to be a never ending source of crazy news, Britney's custody battle begins today with a 'secret witness.'
"You may recognize him as we walk into court. But maybe not. He is not famous. He’s just someone who’s concerned about the kids." says Gloria 'the Hammer' Allred, K-Fed's lawya. Oooh, I wonder who this could be? He's not famous but we would recognize him..hmm, is this a paradoxical question, like a brain teaser or something? Maybe Gloria's next statement will be "a man was found hanging in an attic, with a puddle of water below him and no chair. How did he hang himself?"
Also in Brit news, she has been banned from the elitist Chateau Marmont, enabling young stars to do hardcore drugs and play knife games since 1927. Britney was kicked out after hotel guests were disgusted by her eating habits. Crazy B was smearing food all over her face and was making pig noises. I think that's just the way she eats normally, people!

And also today, da Juice was arrested for assaulting Tom Riccio and some other dude for selling OJ's memorabilia. Don't steal from da Juice! The whole shabanga bang was caught on tape, with OJ repeatedly yelling "think you can steal my sh$t and sell it?!" Apparently not. Here's a link to the recording, courtesy of TMZ:
http://www.tmz.com/2007/09/17/o-j-confrontation-caught-on-tape/#comments

The Purple One is Pissed!

2007-09-14T08:07:00.000-07:00

Prince, no longer known as the Artist Formerly Known As Prince, wants to sue, sue, sue! The 49-year old (who's virgin's blood has he been drinking to still look so young?) plans on suing Ebay, YouTube, and the Pirate Bay (?) for letting people have free access to his videos or being able to purchase his Princely memorabilia.

Prince thinks only he should be allowed to get his sticky purple Prince fingers on anything Prince related. Prince.

"YouTube ... are clearly able (to) filter porn and pedophile material but appear to choose not to filter out the unauthorized music and film content which is core to their business success."

What is he complaining about?!! He should be so lucky people are still interested in his 'art!' I'm all for protection of artists from copyright infringement and so forth, but what does it matter that someone can watch his old music videos on YouTube or buy a signed autograph that he probably didn't even sign on Ebay?!

I chose not to use any photos just in case Prince decided to sue me.

"Chicago" Must Be Desparate to Sell Tickets

2007-09-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

I have no interest in seeing Chicago on Broadway becuase, and I'm not really sure why, the producers are only interested in hiring has-beens or no bodies for the main roles.

Here's a list of the fabulous 'singers,' 'actors,' and celebutards that have filled the shoes as Roxy Hart or whoever Catherine Zeta-Jones played:

-Ashlee Simpson
-Kelly Osbourne
-Brooke Sheilds
-John O'Hurley (you know, Elaine's boss from Seinfeld)
-Usher
-Lisa Rinna aka 'Lips'
-Harry Hamlin
-Melanie Griffith
-Joey Lawrence
-David Hasslehoff
-Wayne Brady
-Bebe Neuwirth

So really the 'who's who' of performers I see. I mean, how did they get the Hoff? I thought he was busy tearing down the Berlin Wall or curing cancer. I guess he made time in between receiving his Nobel Peace Prize and judging 'America's Got Talent.'

But what wonderfully talented duo have these producers chosen for the next season of Chicago? What famed and classically trianed actors are good enough to lead this show?

Why it's Tori Spelling and her creepy husband Dean McDermott!

Good choice?

Pulpy Juice

2007-09-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

OJ Simpson was questioned this morning by Las Vegas police in connection to a Palace Station casino break-in where sports memorabilia was allegedly stolen. Sounds like da 'Juice' was trying to lift some of his old sports stuff and either sell it on Ebay or get back into the game but couldn't afford the equipment.

Whatever the case, he's probably guilty as sin but will hire Johnny Cockran, and a jury of his peers (fans) will acquit him again.

Also it's been reported today, the book 'If I Did It' (remember that?) where OJ tells author Pablo Fenjves (also a witness at the original murder trial and former neighbor of the Simpsons) that if he had actually been the killer of Nicole Brown and that other guy, how he would have done it..well, the author now says that originally the book was actually a real confession, but it was changed to make OJ sound like he was watching the crime take place from afar rather than actually doing it.

What? OJ actually did it? I am shocked! Shocked!!! Not my beloved OJ from the Naked Gun franchise?!

“He wants to confess, and I’m being assured it’s a confession. But this is the only way he’ll do it.”

-Pablo Fenjves

Dior or Snore?

2007-09-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Here is the Dior 2008 Resort Collection. What do you think? Fugly..a little bit? I like the idea of going for a retro 60's uptown look, but I don't care who you are, paisley will never look good. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!! Some of this collection is a bit dubious, but what else can you expect from Mr. Over-The-Top John Galliano! It's sort of Auntie Mame meets Indian princess meets 1965 cabana girl. I don't know about this. But I do like the hair though..

Pimpin' Out My Art Work..

2007-09-13T09:56:00.001-07:00

Oh, I digress from the usual celeb chit chat, but I had to do some self pluggin' of my own art, so take a peep and buy some of it too or least tell me what you think or what could be better. I can handle the truth!

Here's a few new things and a link to my art website at http://www.fostercranz.com . I have a lot of new stuff I haven't captured on film yet, but it's all about the 60's wallpaper meets the Beatles 'Yellow Submarine' video meets art deco, and that will be posted soon. So here for you viewing pleasure are a few teases of what I've been up to lately..

Poor KK!

2007-09-13T09:35:00.001-07:00

Poor Kiera.

She's been boohooing to the press lately (again) about how hard is it is that she's so thin and saying it's 'frustrating' to be her size and how it's sooo difficult for her to feel confident since she's naturally that thin. Oh and she wants to look like Beth Ditto from The Gossip, Kate Winslet (who wouldn't want to look like her?) and Monica Bellucci because of their voluptuousness. Uh huh.

Aw, my dear KK, I never knew you felt that way! But I like you for who you are because you curse like a sailor and have cheekbones I would sell my own mother for. Here is Kiera talking about the difficulty of doffing her duds for the camera:

"And I can't sacrifice my job just because it [nudity] becomes part of this tabloid bullocks that I have to put up with. In fact, they are two completely separate things. There's me as Keira, who has to deal with this tabloid shit." And then she threw in some more 'bloody buggery hells' and a few 'blimely, those bastard slags' and so on.

And then now she turns it out in a dress that looks like a rabbit was let loose in the designer's studio and pooped all over the top of this outfit.

I think it's cute, except for the rabbit turd detailing, but look at all the little doilies and such that could have come from my granny's dinning table runner. Work it gurrrl.

Bleh

2007-09-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

You all might have already heard about the alleged Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern secret love affair (ew) but Howard has finally decided to speak out and defend his allegedly non-gay honor. We have already heard Larry's side since he has threatened to sue everybody apparently. But here's old Howard, bringing up the rear (no pun intended.) :

"Most of these witnesses, or, you can't even call them witnesses, but sources to Rita Cosby's book, they were doing media after media interview after Anna passed away and they took every shot at me that their imaginations could possibly dream up. And all of a sudden, the same people are coming back and they're saying, 'oh by the way, I forgot... Howard and Larry are gay and there's a video of them together.' It's ridiculous. I mean it's absolutely absurd. That woman Rita Cosby is either the dumbest person on earth or she knows that she's printing false information. And I don't think she's the dumbest person on earth. Dannielynn is gonna read this garbage and it's almost like she's going have to get counselling from the age of three."

Whatever the truth is, and I'm not really sure if I actually believe this Cosby woman since she looks a little nutty, the whole situation for that kid is going to be weird. She has no chance to have a normal life, especially living with Birkhead. I mean, look at this ridiculous float Larry ordered up for her birthday. Dannielynn is like a walking ATM machine for that creep.

Anorexic Stylist vs. Anorexic Editrix

2007-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

So for all you fashionistas and Manolo Mamas, here be some sweet sweet fashion tidbits for you this morning:

Rachel Zoe, uber stylist to the uber thin stars has made a little snotty comment about how she is more important than Vogue Magazine. Bitch please! :

"Anna Wintour (Vogue Editor) is one of my heroes, but they say that I’m more influential. As great as it is, Vogue won’t change a designer’s business. But if an unknown brand is worn by a certain person in a tabloid, it will be the biggest designer within a week. When I worked with Nicole [Richie], there were things that she wore that designers had to remake for another season because there was such demand.’’

So you are telling me, the top selling fashion magazine that has been in print since 1914 and has versions in 18 different countries is less important than you putting bug eyed sunglasses and vintage scarves on Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton? Wow, I never thought of it that way!

Zoe, you better watch your back. Anna will stomp your bony ass with her Jimmy Choo while Andre Leon Tally gives you a swirly in the Conde Nast bathroom. And trust me, you do not want to know what lunches have gone in those toilets..

Best Dressed? Are you sure about that one People Magazine?

2007-09-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, the list of best dressed (and worse dressed-my favorite list) is coming to newstands this Friday thanks to People Magazine.
Who's on this list, this all important, life or death important list? Here you go, feel free to judge for your self!:

Best Dressed:

Beyonce-bleh

J. Lo.-ick

Katie Holmes-huh?

Drew Barrymore-droopy boobs got it?

Reese Witherspoon-meh

Penelope Cruz-Que?

Cameron Diaz-what?

Gwen Stefani-good girl, she deserves it most of the time.

Even with a swirly, my homegirl is F-I-E-R-C-E!

Worst Dressed:

Avril Lavigne-duh

Kirsten Dunst-trying too hard to be a hipster

Janet Jackson-well that was a given

Sienna Miller-she has her moments

And I would like to give an honorable mention to Misha Barton-for this Grecian/Halloween disaster:

Leave her alone! Whaaaaa!!!!

2007-09-12T12:39:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, another infamous video has been circulated the web via YouTube. Uber Britney fan and all around nutjob Chris Crocker has gone into hysterics over his precious B, and all he wants you to do is 'Leave her alone, anyone who hasa problem with her, you deal with me!' Ok, ok, take it easy, I'll deal with you.

This is one hell of a hissy fit! Check it out:

http://www.tmz.com/2007/09/11/brit-fan-hops-crazytown-express/#comments

Orange You Glad I..uh, ah forget it.

2007-09-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, googley eyed mogul bag-lady Mary Kate Olsen is on the cover of next month's Harper Bazaar. And they even allowed old lady Lauren Hutton in on the photoshoot. Good for her, for still working, and being alive. Although in this pic she's probably thinking 'why is this midget standing in front of me?! Me!!!'

But the day glow orange hair. Really? Girlfriend looks like she wants to yank that wig right off, and who can blame her..although my hair was that color for a while, no maybe I shouldn't knock it. But I also was never on the cover of Bazaar magazine either..not yet. Bwa haha.

Oh for Cryin' Out Loud..

2007-09-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

The excuses have got to stop with Britney's performance at the VMAs, I'm kind of sick of hearing about it (although I'll keep talking about that hot mess for next few weeks I'm sure.)

So here in a long line of excuses, excuses, excuses, comes the latest courtesy of Ken Paves, you know, that hairdresser that Jessica Simpson forced into being her friend and then came out with a line of crappy hair extensions together? Poor Ken was sent to work on Brits nasty-ass weave for her show, but she threw a wee fit because she wanted to go brown, but no one was having that. What's wrong with being a brunette? Sniff..

Here are another list of previous excuses on why she looked drunk and discombobulated during her 'performance':

-She didn't like Sarah Silverman's jokes about her kids..but Sarah and MTV said that Sarah ad libbed her set after Brit's performance. Next.

-Her stripper heel broke in the middle of the act (so did one of her press-on nails. Hehe.) Well bitch, Beyonce fell down a flight of stairs at her concert and broke open her forehead and was bleeding all over the place. But like a pro, she kept going and bootylicioussing it up. Next.

-Chris Angel backed out at the last minute from doing the magic thang because he knew the whole routine would be a disaster. But that was for the best. Magic sucks anyway. Next.

-Brit's manager, Jeff Kwatinetz (I thought she was managing herself now) is to blame for some reason because he let that mess on stage. What happened to free will, people?!

So here's my take on it:

-She was drunk. Oh, and totally bonkers. And drunk. So there you have it. The official reason!

Oh Amy, Amy, Amy..

2007-09-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh my precious Whino, how I adore you and your soul 60's sound and all the crazy shizz I've been hearing about you; that's rock n' roll baby. How I wish you would stop cancelling your tours. I know doing 8 balls of crack with Pete Doherty sounds like all shits and giggles, but c'mon my little Cleopatra eyeliner-wearing, beehive sporting, ballerina shoe lover, I know you can do it! You are probably 1 of the only 10 talented artists out there right now, so don't fail me now sister. Or at least get a new tooth replacement for fucks sake!

I hope that trip to St. Lucia fared well for you, although the maids discovering the little treat of puke and blood all over the bathroom you left for them might be a sign to say 'I wanna go to Rehab, and I said yes, yes, yes!'

Oh, and eat a cheeseburger please.

Cute Accessory, but Doesn't it Smell a Little?

2007-09-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, so Marc Jacob's rent boy and 'ex-'junkie Jason Preston, who decided to tattoo Marc Jacobs on his arm because that queen just lurrrves him some Marc, got a spiffy little brooch from his crack-head gal pal Courtney Love.

It's just the cutest crown brooch with..wait, is that, no, it can't be, a dead mouse?

Wow, PETA is going to have a field day with that one. I'm sure dear Courtney picked the mouse up off the New York sidewalk and thought 'what a cute pin this could be!' She's so creative! I'm sure now that models are going to start walking down the runway with dead parakeets on their shoulders, dead cat hats, squirrel tassel shoes and fabulous stuffed monkey handbags. I can't wait!!

Kayne v. 50 Cent..boooring

2007-09-12T07:06:00.001-07:00

Good mornin' folks! Well, fashion week is wrapping up here in New York City, which is good for me because then I'll be able to get back in da clubs. Although, I was lucky enough to go to the Development show, and even sat next to Nigel Barker, that dapper Brit photographer from Top Model. Of course, I was waaaay too focused on the show to chat with him, or maybe it was the other way around, I forget.

Here are some photos of Jenna Jameson (porn star) and Amanda Lepore (scary tranny) from the Heatherette fashion show last night. I guessed they replaced Jenna with their usual favorite, Paris, although Jenna looks like a thinner, more plastic version and I almost want Paris instead....I said almost.

By the by, did anyone hear about that little faux feud between Kanye and 50 Cent? I think 50 said he'd hang up his mike if Kayne outsold him. Umm, is that really a good idea there, 50? I don't think you need to take it that far. Maybe just say that if Kayne outsells you, you might just shave off your eyebrows or eat raw eggs like a good old fashioned bet. No need to just quit forever!

Like he would actually do that anyway.

What Happened To Courtney Love?!

2007-09-11T12:58:00.000-07:00

Whaaa!! What happened to her? She has deflated her body and inflated the rest of her plastic parts.

Courtney, honey, darling, sweet pea, um, well, here's the thing..you look like hell! Ditch the creepy blue contacts, lay off the Restylane, and get some sleep. Alien chic is not in (although Victoria Beckham would have you believe different.)

And quit hanging out with Marc Jacob's boy toy/enabler Jason Preston because that won't get you anywhere but right back to jail or rehab. And don't you have a daughter or something? What happened to that punk spirit that would all used to know and tolerate? So many questions.

Blorf, I give up.

The Ridiculousness that is Tommy Lee..

2007-09-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ok then, so Kid Rock sucker punched Tommy Lee in the shnozz at the MTV VMAs last Sunday night, and Lee has made several posts in response on his personal website:

"Yeah!! .....here I am minding my own biz having a great time with my friend Criss Angel (magician) and watching the MTV awards in the front row saying hello to all my friends......Pamela comes and sits on my lap who I love and adore....and also say hello to my friend Travis Barker and his wife!.....and i get a text from another friend P. Diddy and he says come sit with me.....and he's sitting with Miss HOT Megan FOX so I go over and sit with P! Not a minute later and Alicia Keys starts her amazing performance....("I apologize sweetie.....I had nothing to do with the timing and disrespect")......back to the stupid-ness!!....so..... I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid Pebble...I stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say "Hey dude...What up"?? He punches me in the face.....well if ya wanna call it that!?....more like a bitch slap!.......Wuss!! Anyway....i go to knock this jealous country bumpkin the f$%k OUT....and before I can have a meeting with my fist and his ugly ass mug ....security guards... grab me and haul my ass outta the award show! So I'm fine and of course leave to my room with police and owner of the Palm's George Maloof......the rest is paper work and bullshit!... Anyway...... I would like to apologize to Alicia and George and MTV for the disrespectful bullshit caused by a piece of shit called Kid Pebble!!"

My god, can he drop any more names? We didn't need all that drivel about Tommy hanging out with Chris Angel (would you really want to admit you're buddies with a goth/magician/Britney manskank?) Or how you were texting with pimply P.Diddy? Yuck, I'm on Kid Rock's side now. I would have punched him too. And what does he mean by Kid Pebble? That he's the size of a pebble, right? Man, that's lame.

Darjeeling Darling!

2007-09-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

Back to the poop scoop on celebrities!

I'm pretty psyched about the September 29th release of The Darjeeling Limited. Yes yes, those nay-saying critics have already panned the film, but they can go to hell (and I mean that in the nicest way possible.) Wes Anderson could poop in a box and film it, and I would still think it would have more uniqueness and personality than half the films out there. He has such fascinating characters in his movies and he really seems to be interested in the eccentricities of these people.

I mean, how fraggin' cool was Gwyneth Paltrow in The Royal Tenenbaums (and I can't stand her.) Didn't you just want to rim your eyes with khol liner, buy a fur coat and a Lacoste dress and pout while smoking a cigarette in your bathtub?! And I love that he put Owen Wilson in face bandages for the whole Darjeeling movie. Here's a clip of the synopsis:

"Three American brothers who have not spoken to each other in a year set off on a train voyage across India with a plan to find themselves and bond with each other -- to become brothers again like they used to be. Their "spiritual quest", however, veers rapidly off-course (due to events involving over-the-counter pain killers, Indian cough syrup, and pepper spray), and they eventually find themselves.."

Sounds like a Wes goodie to me!

Now I know there's that big suicidal elephant in the room, but I'm going to leave Owen Wilson alone. He hasn't done the requisite Extra/Larry King/Oprah/Perez interview, or at least yet, so until then, get better soon my fellow Texan!

How Could You?!

2007-09-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, so this isn't exactly celeb related, well, actually it somewhat is, but I felt I had to mention it because it is so sickening.

16 weeks ago, 4 year old British citizen Madeleine McCann disappeared from her hotel room in southern Portugal while her parents dined at their resort. Her parents went on a big crusade to get celebrities and civilians to help donate and bring awareness to finding Madeleine, getting David Beckham, Tom Cruise, gosh, even the pope himself blessed the parents personally. The family have raised over a million pounds for the 'search' and they have created a website, arm bands, the works. Well, in a sick twist in the case, today the Portuguese and British authorities uncovered evidence that implicates the parents in her possible death.
The McCann's rental car, which was rented 5 weeks after Mad's disappearance, contained a large amount of hair samples from the little girl. Police believe the parents might have either accidentally or intentionally killed Madeleine and then waited 5 weeks to dump the body. I hope this isn't true, but these parents are lookin' guilty folks. It sure was brazen of them to advertise their daughter's disappearance if they are guilty, but they also raised a lot of money and sympathy from this, so that makes this whole thing even more messed up. But I'm all for 'innocent until proven guilty', but I'm also about 'suspicious until proven otherwise.'

Here's a link to the latest news on the case:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,296371,00.html

My Favorite Season Premeirs!

2007-09-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's September and you know what that means? No, not foliage. Fall Sweeps Week! Not excited? Well suck it. 'Cause I certainly am. I've been waiting all summer like a chump, watching re-runs of the Office on iTunes and crying into my pillow. Sad, yes? So here's a breakdown of my faves for fall, the best shows that are coming back to your boob tube:

Curb Your Enthusiasm-10pm ET, HBO, Sunday nights. Ok, so this one already started on Sept 2nd, but how can you not be excited to see your hero, Larry David, back on screen? I will never get tired of this show, it's too good.

And isn't our Larry zexy in his blazer, khakis, Sketchers (not pictured) combo?

Dexter, 9pm ET, Showtime, Sept 30. I found this little gem starring Michael C. Hall of Six Feet Under fame on iTunes and I really got into it. The show is back on Showtime for its second season, so watch all of the first season and get back to me. It's pretty graphic and gory, which some of you sickos really like, so it's not for the faint of heart. Dexter is a serial killer, but the catch is he only kills other serial killers. How does he do this? Welllll...he's the blood spatter expert of the Miami Dade Police Department so he knows what's up. The show is really intriguing and very underrated, so check it out.

The Office, 9pm ET, NBC, Sept 27. At first I hated this how. I really despised it and didn't think it was that funny. But then I got a job working in an office, and I got it. Like really got it. So my boss reminds me of Steve Carell's character. Lucky me. My boss is a typical arrogant, idiotic jerk. Is that a requirement for bosses these days? And there is totally a lovable weirdo Kevin type. Of course, there's no Jim.

30 Rock, NBC. Nuts, why haven't they announced the fall preview? Damn you Alec Baldwin, damn you to hell, you damned dirty ape!!

Ugly Betty, 8pm ET, ABC, Sept 13. Woohoo, I'm ready to get my Ugleee on! I said you ugly, uh huh, you ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly. Yeah, yeah, you ugly! Ok, sorry. So I adore the show, I'm a sucker for anything that's fashion/screwball comedy related. And I have a crush on Marc St. James even though he's absolutely flaming. But at least he won't grope me at the movie theater and not buy my dinner. Too much?

Here's a shout out to some Ab Fabbers. Good photo ladies!

My First Post

2007-09-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

What's up beetches?! This is my first post..ever. So take heed my little lambs, 'cause mama Cranz is gonna pile on a huge helpin' of bitchy celebrity gravy. Mmmm...celebrity gravy.

What other way to kick off a celebrity blog than talk about Britney Spears! Of course, I'm only the 9,877,345 to discuss last Sunday night's VMA Britney Debacle Spangly Extravaganza. Everyone is making quite the stinkypoo about her fat-tastic bedazzled nightmare of a lingerie set (Brit probably borrowed that from Paris. It looks like something that skank would own) and the mussed weave that MTV bizarrely chose to focus on at the beginning of the set. Poor girl didn't have a chance! Although, I have to say, my sympathy ran out a while ago, for my corneas were seared from the labia flashing and ears were assaulted with 'Gimme More' (no thanks.)

But really, were we so shocked that the performance was such a stinker? I was actually expecting worse, and although she looked groggy throughout the performance, she didn't puke all over herself or fall off stage, which really surprised me. I was sure her weave would accidentally get yanked or she'd just peel off all her clothes like a two year old. What a gip!

Oh well, enough about her!

So here's a tidbit of random news that many of you could give two poops about. But I care. I care.

The Women, a film that was made in 1939 with Joan Crawford, Norma Shearer and one of my favorite fast-talkin' dames, Rosalind Russell is being re-made for theaters in 2008 with Eva Mendes, Meg Ryan, Annette Bening (yay!), Candice Bergen, and Jada Pinkett Smith. If you haven't seen this movie, please netflix this because it is a hoot! The original is a black & white film with a female only cast (even the animals are female.) It focuses on a set of hoighty toighty New York Upper East Side women who are beetches extraordinaire! Norma's character finds out through her snippy cousin's trickery (the hilarious Russel as Sylvia Fowler) that her husband is having an affair with glamorous yet conniving shop girl Joan Crawford and decides to go to Reno for a divorce. It's very witty and sassy and quite groundbreaking for 1939.

But I'm worried about the re-make. I'm not too hot on the cast (Meg Ryan? Bitch is still making movies?!) And Debra Messy? Poo. Poo on those Hollywood suits who want to destroy a classic. All I gots to say is they better not cut out the fashion show part in the middle or make it a drama. Write your congressman!